"Mr. Linden's Library"

This quarter in one of my classes out at Eastern, my professor introduced us to the mysteries of Harris Burdick. The book is written by Chris Van Allsburg, and is a very unique kind of book. It contains fourteen pictures each with a title and one line for the story - that is all. These pictures have prompted many people to exercise their writing abilities and develop their own story for the pictures. My teacher had us do the same. As I love writing, my story ended up being rather long (and I still wasn't completely satisfied with the finished product; however, it was very late at night, and the assignment was due. So I turned it in at the unfinished and imperfect stage that it was at). I chose the picture entitled "Mr. Linden's Library." Here are the resulting words that flowed from my brain. I welcome all comments and feedback! Also, if you are interested in reading any of the other stories here is a site that has many different attempt (a Google search will provide ample results as well): http://www.hmhbooks.com/features/harrisburdick/readers_stories.html

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"Mr. Linden's Library"

 

He had warned her about the book. Now it was too late.

 

 

            Pushing open the front door, the musty smell of books and mystery greeted her as the bell tinkled faintly and the wind tossed the few remaining leaves in behind her. She paused momentarily to contemplate where she should start today. Last week it had been the daring adventure novels. The week before, she had been whisked away into the land of fairytales. As she turned to make her way into historical fiction, she heard a voice behind her.

 

            “Good day, Miss Aslin! So wonderful to see you on this blustery morning.”

 

            “Why, Mr. Cromestad, it is good to see you as well,” she replied. “You are looking fine as always.”

 

            “Thank you, my dear. I had been hoping you would stop by. I have a special surprise for you.” Even behind his white bushy eyebrows, Aslin could see his pale green eyes gleamed with a hint of excitement. The corners of jolly mouth twitched upward ever so slightly revealing his amusement as he started to reveal his secret.

 

            Aslin couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, show me soon before I burst of curiosity! Did you find me a new book? As many times as I have read your entire collection, it is always nice to start a brand new one.”

 

            “Right you are – yes, I have just that and more. A whole collection of new books in fact,” he chuckled as he guided her to the back of the shop weaving around leather chairs and stacks of books waiting to be put back in the right spot. Finally reaching the little back office, he pointed to a small bookshelf sagging with books of all shapes and sizes.

 

            “I know how close you were to Mr. Linden. These books were just given to me this past week, and I knew you would want to be the first to go through them,” he said in hushed tones. “I’ll let you go browse alone. Just call if you need anything, okay?”

 

            She nodded at him with a small smile. Slowly sinking down next to the shelf, she quickly brushed a tear away as it slipped down her cheek. Mr. Linden had been like a father to her in so many ways. After her own father had become abusive, Mr. Linden has taken her under his wing and loved her the way her own father should have. He had no kids of his own and enjoyed spending time with the young girl.

 

They had first met at this very same bookshop when she was just five years old. She came in regularly even then with her mother who had passed on the passion for books to her little girl. It was a snowy winter day that they made their first acquaintance. He had been searching through the shelves for just the right book when a snowsuit clad figure with round, rosy cheeks and wispy blonde hair came bounding into the store with her head turned round to her mother and plowed right into him. He bent over to pick her up off the floor as fear flashed in her eyes for a brief moment.

 

“I see you are rather in a hurry to find a good book, young lady,” he said amused. “Well, so am I, so please help me find a good one.”

 

A smile flashed across her face as she saw that he was not upset, “Sure,” she said, easing in next to him to study the shelf. “I am an expert at picking out books.”

 

“I had a feeling you might be.”

 

And so started a friendship that would not soon be forgotten. It became a weekly tradition for them to visit the bookstore together. The little girl walking hand in hand with the older gentleman down three blocks from his house to the bookshop and three blocks back for milk and cookies and a good story. Each one needed the other – an old man cooped up all alone in his big house and a young girl cooped up in her own little house without a father to love her. Now, fifteen years later, she sat among old friends and memories came flooding back.

 

His passing, not two months earlier, had been one of the hardest things she had ever had to face. There had been such a wonderful camaraderie built between the two of them based on their mutual love of books that even death had trouble tearing apart.  Wiping another tear from her eye, she brushed her long blond hair out of her face as she gazed sideways at the books to read the spines. Each book held a memory. Most of them, they had picked out together in this very store. She would carry it back to his house proudly, plop herself down on the big couch, and spread the book open in her lap ready for him to read aloud to her. As she grew older and his eyesight faded, she began to take on more of the responsibility of reading. The magic of the stories took them to faraway places leaving behind the drab reality to embrace the romance of the yet to be known.

 

Mr. Linden’s library had been so large that it had made the little bookshop appear dwarfed in comparison. Unfortunately, his relatives had not seen much value in the books, and only this small collection remained. Aslin was just glad that these few had been saved for her. She paused over each title remembering the stories as if she had read them only yesterday. Once in a while she would stop to pick one up and loving flip through the pages reading small sections. She became so lost in the books that she did not realize that the sunlight had faded away into dusky night.

 

“I’ll bet you found many an old friend in there – Oh! I didn’t mean to startle you,” Mr. Cromestad quickly apologized.

 

“Goodness, I become too easily lost in the world of books,” she sighed. “It must be about closing time. Oh that’s funny….” Her voice trailed off as she bent down to pick a book up off the bottom shelf.

 

“What is it?” queried Mr. Cromestad.

 

“This book must have accidentally found its way in with the others. All of the books here I know well, but this one I have never seen. It could not have belonged to Mr. Linden.”

 

“Let’s have a look,” he said gently taking the book in hand. As he did, and envelope slipped out from the cover and fell to the floor.

 

Aslin bent over to pick it up and was surprised to find her name written on it in Mr. Linden’s distinguished pen.

 

“Why, this letter is addressed to me!” Ripping the letter open, she began to scan its contents quickly.

 

My dearest friend, and fellow booklover, Aslin,

            I know that the time is nearing when our physical bodies will no longer be together. I do not fear the going away as much as I fear the hurt it will cause you. You have been the source of light in my life. From the moment you ran into me in our little bookshop until now, you have brought joy to all my days. I cannot thank you enough for the many lessons I have learned through the gentle teacher I have found in you, my young friend. This is not the end of the story, Aslin, but just the end of the chapter. Do not be afraid to turn the page. Live your life with the expectation of adventure and write your story so that others will remember long after you are gone. I will always be with you in your heart and as you continue reading.

 

I remain, respectfully yours,

Mr. Samuel J. Linden

 

P.S. This book is a particularly special one. I cannot reveal the secret to you – that you must find out on your own. There are secrets hidden throughout the book that one will only find when least expected. Let me just warn you about reading this before bed, though. One may not want to fall asleep while in the middle of it.

 

            She looked up from the letter to the book in Mr. Cromestad’s hands. It certainly looked ordinary enough. Carefully taking the book from him, she folded the letter and placed it back inside the cover of the book. Together they walked to the front of the store as Mr. Cromestad turned off the lights and locked the place up for the night.

 

            “Let me walk you home tonight. It’s not that far, and it sure is getting dark quickly out here,” he offered kindly.

 

            “Thank you,” she replied. “I shall be grateful of the company.” She hated to admit it, but the feelings of loneliness had threatened to spill over again after seeing some of Mr. Linden’s most treasured possessions.

 

            They reached her soon thereafter and exchanged goodbyes quickly, for the night air had become chilly. Fall had seemed to come to an end and winter was slowly creeping in. Aslin walked into her house to be greeted by the warm glow of the fire and the smell of delicious stew. She had tucked the book into her coat and hurried to her room to put it away. She wasn’t ready to share her treasure with her mother just yet.

 

            “The stew is ready, Aslin. Come eat while it’s warm,” her mother urged.

 

            As they ate, her mother tried to keep up conversation, but she quickly realized that Aslin’s mind was elsewhere and gave up the futile struggle with a shrug and a small smile. This was nothing new for her. Books had a way of preoccupying one’s mind – a fact that her mother knew all too well. So she let it alone, and they ate the rest of the meal in companionable silence.

 

When she had finished, Aslin quickly cleaned up the table and excused herself to her room. She felt that her curiosity would explode if she did not soon begin to delve into the special book from her friend. She closed the door, retrieved the book from its new spot on her shelf, and plopped down on her bed getting comfortable.

 

“I don’t need to be worried about falling asleep like he warned me about,” she told herself. “I’m not even a little bit tired, and there is so much I want to find out about this book.”

 

She opened the cover feeling the familiar thrill of excitement about starting a new book. Mr. Linden had once told her never to lose that thrill because there was always something new to be learned. In a land far, far away…sentence by sentence and page by page, she was whisked away to a magical land with fairies and munchkins where people lived simply and happily. It was not very different from any other story that she had read before, but as usual, she did not have time to wonder about the supposed uniqueness of the book as she was enveloped by the story.

 

Time slipped by, and as it ticked away, her eyelids became heavier and heavier until sleep overcame her consciousness. The clock down the hall began to chime: one.…two…. three…..……ten…eleven…twelve. Everything was quiet. The only sounds to be heard were the tick-tock of the clock and the slow, steady breathing of those fast asleep.

 

Then – it happened! He had warned her about the book. Now it was too late. It started almost imperceptibly at first, but it grew larger by the minute. Vines were slowly creeping out of the book. The longer the vine became, the thicker around it was. They began to intermingle with the girl’s hands, arms, and legs wrapping around her with a firm grip until every inch of her body was covered. Suddenly, her whole body was forced upward with a jerk and feet first, she disappeared into the book. If an onlooker had blinked there would be no trace that anything had happened besides the faint fluttering of the pages of the book.

 

 

 

 

I opened my eyes with a start. Where was I? Looking around, this place seemed somewhat familiar. To my left there was a tall hedge climbing up toward the sky. On my right, there was a bright blue brook bubbling happily downstream with a large willow tree nearby whose branches stretched over the bank and grazed the surface of the water. Had I been here before? I walked up to the brook and peered into the crystal clear water. Why! That was me…no, not twenty-year-old me but my five-year-old self staring back at me in shock. I looked from the reflection to my body and back again. Through the mirror in the water, I was seeing my younger self, but standing there on the bank, I resembled all of my twenty years of age. How could this be? What was happening to me? I struggled to remember how I had gotten to this point, but it was as if my memory had been wiped clear. I could recall facts from long ago, but nothing recent would come to mind. As I stood there wondering what was to be done about my situation, the water started to ripple and slowly a figure began to emerge from the water. Her long, dark hair flowed majestically down her back contrasting with the pure white of her gown.

 

“We had a feeling we might see you soon, Aslin,” her melodic voice caught me off guard as much as the fact that she knew my name. Realizing that I was quite spellbound, she continued, “We have heard much about you from our friend Samuel. He speaks very highly of you.”

 

Somehow finding my voice, I asked, “You know my friend?”

 

She smiled gently, “Yes, he loved to dive into the realm of books to stay awhile with us.”

 

“Why am I here? And how did I get to this place?” I asked hoping to learn a little more about my surroundings.

 

“You’ve been here before,” she stated plainly as if I should remember. “Samuel took you and your mother here on a picnic once.”

 

I looked around again as she said that, and I began to remember things about that day. It was a gorgeous morning in the late spring. The weather had just gotten warm enough to wear lighter clothes, and it was the perfect day for a picnic. Mr. Linden had stopped by our house to ask if we would accompany him on an adventure. Desperate to get out of the house after a long winter, both my mother and I quickly agreed. We found ourselves in this same spot a few hours later with a picnic basket brimming with goodies.

 

“Yes!” I replied. “Oh, now I remember it. I have recalled that day many times wishing that I could have it over again. It was the perfect day with absolutely nothing to spoil it.”

 

“I know you have wished that,” the beautiful woman commented. “That is precisely why you have come here.”

 

Then, without a moment’s notice, she stirred up the brook causing a great disturbance.

 

“Come. Step out into the water.”

 

Hesitant to follow her command but eager to be able to experience my memories once again, I moved forward drawn toward her yet pulling back at every step. My eagerness won out as I found myself standing in the middle of the whirlpool as water swirled up around me. I found myself back on the shore transformed bodily into my five-year-old self once more. The woman was gone, but I could hear voices coming nearer. From around the hedge, two figures appeared. The one was a younger version of my mother, and the other Mr. Linden himself.

 

“I’m getting the chance to relive my memories,” I thought. “This is something that only happens in book.”

I was absolutely ecstatic at the idea. Maybe after I had experienced this, the beautiful woman would allow me to relive all of my best memories.

 

The two figures walked closer to me picnic basket in hand.

 

“Aslin, here: spread out the table cloth so we can have our picnic,” my mother urged me.

 

I smoothed out the fabric on the grass with the help of Mr. Linden. We began to unpack the food. There didn’t seem to be as much as I remembered there to be the first time, but I figured that maybe over the years my mind had conjured it up into something a bit more than it actually was. No matter. I was happy just to be in that spot again with my favorite people. As we were eating, we began to talk, and for some reason my mother’s voice began to take on a tone that I had only heard a few times. She became frustrated at some small thing that Mr. Linden had said and began to nitpick at my eating.

 

“Aslin, sit up straight!” she commanded. “Didn’t I teach you to act like a lady? Don’t take such large bites of food.”

 

Stunned at my mother’s sudden change in manner, I merely conceded, “Yes, mother” and tried to be mindful of my posture and eating.

 

“Well, why don’t you look at that,” my mother moaned. “I knew the weather wouldn’t hold out for us. It’s inevitable that the rain would come on such a spring day.”

 

She was right. In the distance, I could see ominous black clouds form out of nothing. In no time at all, they were upon us and pouring down rain. We hurriedly gathered the remnants of our meal and started running for shelter. As I was running behind my mother, I tripped twisting my ankle and scraping my knee against a rock. Tears began to flow down my cheeks when I felt the water rushing around me and found myself standing next to the brook on the clear day in my normal body again.

 

“Did you enjoy being in your memory again?” she asked.

 

“That could not have been my memory. That day was one of my happiest times. None of that happened the way I just experienced it,” I said, disgustedly.

 

“Are you ready for your next memory?” she questioned seeming to ignore my comment.

 

“Is it going to turn out like the last one? That is something that only happens in books,” I stated. “It’s too cliché to actually happen the exact opposite of real life.”

 

Without an answer, I found myself in the corner of Cromestad’s Books.  I saw Mr. Linden with his nose in a book oblivious to the world around him. I smiled to myself at the familiar picture before me. The bell above the door jingled and in walked my younger snowsuit clad self. I paused to stomp off my boots, and then I allowed my mother to lead me to her corner of the store. We walked right past Mr. Linden without anything more than an “excuse me.” I was confused. Why did we not acknowledge our friend?

 

The image faded out of my sight. I found myself on the bank once again, crying. I felt like Dorothy stuck in Oz desperately crying “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”

 

“They weren’t how you remembered them, were they?” the woman tenderly asked.

 

“No, not at all. He was our friend. We always had fun together.”

 

“There is no way to relive the moments of our lives, my dear. Time passes steadily by and we cannot go back and do it again no matter how fun it was. That is why we must enjoy the moments as we are living them. We can never be successful trying to recreate them.”

 

“I wish there was a way to go back and live them again – happily,” I said regretfully.

 

“That is why books are so special. When we go back and read them again, we can remember the wonderful stories that we loved so much. However, sometimes even those stories can change. We grow up and have a different perspective on life. We can see things a little bit differently through the experiences we have had that have shaped us. Be thankful that your life is not a book read over and over but a new chapter started fresh with new memories to make. Go back and enjoy the memory of the old while looking forward with excitement to the new. Can you do that, Aslin?”

 

I thought about it for a moment. She was right. I needed to be happy where I was in life right now. Yes, it is hard for me to live without my friend, but I still have a lot of life to live and lots of new chapters to start in my book that should also be filled with joyful times.

 

“Yes,” I said with a smile. “Yes, I think I can!”

 

 

 

 

Sunlight peered through the curtains of the bedroom window softly touching Aslin’s face waking her up. She opened her eyes to see the gift from her friend lying closed on her bed. Flashes of scenes played through her head like a movie reel. Had she really been to that brook? Or was it all just a dream?



I Climbed The Mountain

Psalm 121:1-2 – I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

 

 

For a long time, I have wanted to climb the mountain behind our cabin. My brother had been up many times, but I had never been able to go up with him. He promised me that he would take me up, yet things kept getting in the way. Finally, today was my day to go up with my Dad, and I was quite excited. I may seem like a city girl, but there is a bit of a nature lover in me that seems to creep out once in a while. I absolutely love being out in the solitude of the woods where you quickly find out that you are not alone as the birds are calling back and forth to each other, the bugs are darting every which way, and once in a while you see a rabbit or a deer if you are really quiet. There is a sense of peace that I personally feel out in nature where time slows down and in that space nothing else matters. Worries and cares fade into oblivion as if you are transferred to another world.

 

From our cabin there is about a mile of unpaved trail we like to call a road that leads to the main asphalt road. Behind the main road is the mountain that I climbed. As I walked the path up to the street, I could catch glimpses of the mountain that I was about to trek up. From my perspective at the time, it seemed so large looming ahead of me, and I wondered how I was going to get myself all the way to the top. The closer I got to the base, it seemed to be even more insurmountable as it dominated the view from where I stood. Everything else was blocked out of my vision.

 

We plunged into the forest area swiping away trees and brush from our faces as we pushed forward. The deeper we got into the forest the more the ground underneath us started to curve upward. Soon I could tell that I was not only going in, but I was headed up. Joking with my Dad, I told him that it was a good thing I wasn’t a panther or something because I was too loud in the underbrush to be able to be sneaky. Anything could hear me coming a mile away.

 

Bit by bit we picked our way up the mountainside, and I began to gain a different view of my surroundings. Now I was seeing the tops of trees that before I had been looking at from the ground up. Steadily heading farther up, I started to catch a view of the river. Finally, we had travelled up as high as we could go, and we sat down to take in what we had accomplished. Here at the top of the mountain, my perspective had changed greatly. It had gone from only being able to see what was right before me to having a clear view for miles. I sat there in awe of the beauty that surrounded me and amazement at the change of perspective..

 

As we rested taking in all the sights around us, I couldn’t help but make parallels to my own life. There are many times that “mountains” stand before us blocking the view of everything else in our lives. Our problems seem insurmountable and not able to be overcome. All we can think about is how huge the issue is. Yet, as we climb to the top of the mountain our view is restored, and we can see for miles around. Our perspective on the situation has changed. Along the way, my Dad cautioned me many times to make sure that my foot was firmly planted on the rocks before I took a step. If my foot was to slip, I would have fallen down the steep incline very easily and nothing would have been there to catch me. It reminded me of the parable in the Bible about the houses built on the rock and the sand. We must plant ourselves on the Rock and make sure that we are firmly established so that we do not slip.

 

Psalm 40:2 – He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

 

Psalm 121:3 – He will not let your foot slip.

 

As I begin to take God’s perspective on my life, things change. I no longer see the mountains in front of me as problems that can’t be faced. I see them as an adventure to climb, and when I get to the top, I will have a magnificent view. Yes, the going may be tough, and there will be points where it is not fun at all. But as I keep my feet grounded on the Rock, I will not slip and fall, and I will be able to make it to the top where beauty awaits me.

 

 

This Past Year...

I find it amazing how time flies. It seems that it keeps speeding up, and each day just gets faster and faster. This fact was only emphasized when I sat looking at the pictures scrolling through on my screensaver recalling all the fun memories. Each one so clear in my mind that it felt like just yesterday. I love the way that they can transport you back to a time and trigger layers of thoughts that end up leading you down a trailing path of memories. Often, I end up so far from where I started that it’s hard to remember exactly where that starting point was.

 

I was travelling down this memory lane today as I worked again to pack up the things in my dorm room. It has been a little bit over a year since I decided that I was going to live on campus at Eastern. To say it was a hard decision for me is a bit of an understatement. And, I suppose, not completely true. There were some aspects of moving out there that were extremely easy for me accept, and I was more than excited to be a part of them. There were other parts, though, that I was not gung-ho about. It would be hard not to be with my family all the time eating dinner and talking and hanging out. It would be hard to split my time between family, work, and homework. There were many drawbacks, and I thoroughly debated the decision. In the end, I chose to take the step and do it. I was excited about living with one of my really good friends. I looked forward to being able to be more involved with ministry on campus. I anticipated having the opportunity to participate in campus events more often. I spent most of the summer last year building pictures in my mind of how this school year was going to look, concocting big plans, and dreaming about fun adventures.

 

I almost have to laugh at myself as I sit here looking in retrospect at those plans. How different my year actually looks than the way I imagined it. Who would have imagined that I would have lived most of the year by myself roommate-less? Who would have imagined that work would become so crazy that it took over my life on the weekends, and I found myself rushing around hardly seeing my family and missing out on many of the campus activities? Who would have thought that my plans would be so very wrong? But, in the midst of this, I have to remember all of the things that I didn’t plan for that happened. I met wonderful people, got involved in a great Bible study with my Streeter girls, had many movie nights, and, of course, incorporated the ubiquitous laughter that always seems to follow us around. It was a year of growth for me – and that certainly wasn’t in my plans.

 

I don’t think we ever plan for growth. It seems to sneak up on us as we slowly battle through our tough times. Then, little by little, we realized that all of the stretching did help to grow our lives a bit. Yeah, there were many nights where the tears spilled down my face uncontrollably, and dear Lydia was there faithfully to hand me tissues and hug me tightly. I don’t know what I would have done without that girl. God has blessed me with her special friendship. He tends to know exactly who we need in our lives and when we need them. I don’t think I have ever grown so close to anyone that quickly. I was able to bear my deepest thoughts to her, and she listened without judgment loving me unconditionally. Her words of wisdom soothed my aching heart, and her presence comforted me when words couldn’t.  Hannah was always there willing to listen to my ranting and frustrations. I appreciated the perspective that she gave me when I had none. She helped me to see beyond where I was. She wasn’t afraid to move me to a different subject and help me to get my mind off of things. Then there’s Kylene. I think I shocked her sometimes with how real I got with her. I didn’t hold anything back, and thank God that He gave her the words to say at the right time because it wasn’t always prim and proper Danika speaking. She poured God’s Word into me even when I didn’t want to hear it, and I did have those times. But she graciously loved me through it all.

 

If you leave this blog post thinking that my entire year here at school was spent in a dark room completely depressed with tears rolling down my face – you got the wrong picture. This was definitely one of the hardest years that I have lived yet; however, I did enjoy many wonderful moments in it. I can’t say that I am completely through my struggle either. Slowly, very slowly, I have been learning things. That’s life, though, constantly learning and growing. We don’t ever stop that process, unless we choose to – which would be a very destructive thing for our well-being. Life goes on even in the midst of our trials. It’s our choice to keep living, truly living, life and enjoy our journey. That is what I have tried to keep in the forefront of my mind through my life. Enjoying the journey. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Not everything is what we expect, plan, or even want, but we can choose to take whatever comes and see the good in it even though the good may not be immediately apparent. I’m still searching for some of those good things. I know that I will find them at some point. In the meantime, there are plenty I have found:

 

1.      Bible study with amazing girls

2.      Late night talks

3.      Movie nights

4.      Pumpkin cake-in-a-mug

5.      Education classes

6.      Packages in the mail

7.      Laughter

8.      Surprise birthday celebrations

9.      Game nights with Monopoly Deal, Mexican hot chocolate, and Sweet Home Alabama

10.  One Direction

11.  Hockey games filled with laughter of newfound friends

12.  Talks in the library being interrupted because “the walls are not sound-proof”

13.  Inside jokes (Rutabaga, ham on wheat, salad)

14.  Gaining a new middle name

15.  Quotes in the quote book

16.  Yogurt parfaits

17.  Secret Val-buddies

18.  Dance parties

19.  Chris Tomlin Concert Road trip

20.  Sledding under the stars

21.  And so many more….

 

Thank you everyone who has been a part of my life in some way this year! I have loved the memories, and although it’s bittersweet to see a season of life come to a close, I will always remember this year of my life as I look forward to what is to come.

 

I Can Hear Him Laughing Now

Losing all space and time, I find myself in another world. I’m transported from that quaint little coffee shop in the middle of downtown Cheney to somewhere outside the constraints of my Tuesday afternoon. His voice is calling me – beckoning me toward Him. Unaware of anything going on around me, I answer the call. His peace envelops me and washes over my senses. I sit there listening for His voice and drinking in the beauty of His majesty. His love captivates and surprises me – the very depth of it more than I can begin to fathom. He reminds me just how important I am to Him. I am His treasured jewel, and He has an investment in me. Yes, He has His life invested in me. Everything within me falls to the ground in an act of utter surrender as I humble myself before Him, the Almighty. What could I have done to deserve this gift, this sacrifice? Nothing. The fact is: I don’t deserve it. The natural me will walk right out the door of that shop, promptly return to that busy life which demands rapt attention to school work and the trivial problems of the day, and forget all about His immense desire for me. But even through all of that, I hear His whispered “come back to Me” right when I least expect it. When my thoughts are set to neutral in my brain and wander around wherever they please, they often meander to the not so pleasant mountains of worry and stress. That is why His Word tells me to take captive every thought. Then His whispered calling will become irresistible again as I rush to Him soaking up His every word. My soul thirsts and longs for Him because His love is better than life.

 

As I write the last few lines down in the pages of my journal, the worship music slowly fades away. Not willing to leave the place where I was, I gazed out the window to the blue sky dotted with clouds. My surroundings come seeping back into my reality as a girl’s laughter flows freely at the table next to me. I smile as I appreciate the ability to experience joy. Laughter, in its genuine form, is one of the most beautiful things to my mind. Just the pure joy that is experienced from laughing is comparable to none but that which He gives. I smile to myself as I imagine the pure laughter that must be ubiquitous in His presence. What could it be like to stand before Him? Emotions would come in waves…thankfulness…awe…joy…happiness…reverence …humbleness…peace…clarity...laughter. I can only imagine the smile spread from ear to ear across His face and His eyes twinkling as He sees me, His beautiful daughter, joining Him. His must have the most beautiful smile. What fun we will have together spending the day laughing and joking around! I can hear Him laughing now – a deep, joyful laugh that evokes involuntary laughter in yourself. You can’t help but join in his delight.

 

We are made in His likeness and image, and I know that each and every smile reflects His own. He gave me the gift of laughter, and I will use it to spread joy liberally around. I slowly gathered my books and walked out of the Mason Jar refreshed and with a new perspective. My laughter is merely a reflection of that which He has given to me, and each time I do laugh whether it be with a group, a friend, or to myself I will remind myself that He is right there with me – smiling and laughing as well.

 

A Joy That Invades My Life

 

Sunshine and coffee. Music, singing, and dancing. Friends and laughter. Smiles and silliness. These are the things that make my heart overflow with joy. Deep joy bubbling up inside of me until I think that I may burst in all my happiness. Spinning, twirling, and whirling joy that just explodes out of me. Contagious happiness that overflows from my soul. That feeling that nothing can bring me down. The perma-smile on my face that isn’t fake but just won’t go away. “I wanna sing at the top of my lungs.” Picture here with me Buddy the Elf, “I’m singing and I’m in a store and I’m SINGING!!!” That’s the kind of enthusiasm I want to have for life. Life is meant to be enjoyed taken day by day and step by step with joy pervading every part. “I’m in love. I’m in love, and I don’t care who knows it!” Yes! I’m in love with life. My life is the best life I have every lived. And, guess what. It’s only gonna get better.

 

 

Do I feel like this every day? Surely not. But could I? Oh yes. Joy is a choice, and I have to choose to have that prevail in my life. It’s all in my perspective. I can see the rain clouding up the sky, or I can marvel at the beautiful rainbow while I’m dancing through the puddles. It’s my life. It’s my choice. I choose to be joyful because my joy is contagious, and who knows who could catch that joybug next and experience the life and freedom that comes with a happy countenance. So don’t be afraid to dance in the rain. Don’t hesitate to laugh until your sides hurt. Don’t suppress the impulse to just be you. Spread that joy around liberally and watch to see how your day will change.

I Don't Fit Your Mold

I cannont deny the reality that it is February and Valentine's Day is here. Yes, I try to be that girl that is totally happy being single and is not bothered by all the mushy-gushy romantic stuff. And, I'm not trying to say that's the perfect approach either. That in itself has its own downfalls. In this season, I go to the extra effort to remind myself to be content with the love found in my Abba Father because no love could ever compare to the love He poured out for me on the cross. That same love that covers me even when I don't want to accept it much less deserve it. In fact, even on days like today when I want to deny it so much, He still cares for me more than I'll ever know. And it's the perfect love that He pours out on me - Agape love that He bestows so freely upon my human-ness and not the wordly kind of love that so often can be here today and gone tomorrow.

Too many girls are familiar with that human love. The kind found in the sappy love song, awful poetic lines in a shimmery card, or soft, warm fuzzie wuzzies of a stuffed bear. That kind of love is the one that too often lets us down. Countless Christian dating books have been written on this kind of love warning girls to save their hearts for the man that God has in store for them and not wasting their time on boys who will only toy around with their emotions. The books give sound advice and wisdom to girls who need that guidance to pursue a Godly man who is more focused on what God has for him than what a girl can offer. Especially in today's culture, there are girls who are willing to give their time and emotions to the first guy that comes along and pays them any attention. For those girls, reading the Christian dating books can completely change their perspective and help them stay away from situations that are less than the best God has for them.

I believe, though, that there is a whole other group of girls that are not addressed in said dating books who are all too often overlooked, yet they find themselves in equally hard situations. These girls are the ones who, knowing all the advice given to a Christian girl, truly strive after the best that God has for them. These girls have read all of the dating books, know all the Christian things to do, in fact, and like a friend and I agreed upon the other day, often feel like they could teach the dating seminars because they know everything that will be said. Yet, none of these talks address how they feel. These girls have placed their heart in God's hands trusting that in the right time, He will bring everything about perfectly. However, in that waiting time, there is always room for doubt to creep in. And impatience. And feelings of lonliness. Even in this group of girls there is hurt and pain similar to the hurt and pain of a more superficial love.

As hard as I find it to admit, I relate to the latter group. I know God has my love story perfectly planned out, and I trust Him with that. That doesn't mean that I don't experience pain along the way. I've had my share of pain. I never understood, though, why I was going through pain even when I made a conscious effort to put God first in my life and relationships. In a way, I had my own picture of how things would look. Since I was putting my trust in God, He would take me through life happy and blissful until the time that He led me to my husband, and then we would fall in love and be perfectly happy and live happily ever after. My perfect fairytale life would come to pass just by giving God my heart and trusting Him to work it out instead of me doing my own thing. Now don't think I am disputing that fact that God will show me the right person, and by following Him I will have a happy marriage. I'm not debating that. What I am saying is that contrary to my glorified picture of a cotton candy, marshmallow life, no matter what I do I am still going to face trials and hard times. Not everything is going to go like I plan it or want it to go or is easiest to deal with. There are hard times and struggles. That is the nature of human life. We live in an imperfect world, and we are going to have to deal with struggles. Even when you do everything right. Even I, a Christian girl trying to do it God's way, struggle with having feelings for someone who will never reciprocate my love. Even I feel that lonliness that seems to wash over me at the hardest times. Even I have those difficul days when, even after I have taken my heart to God yet again and placed it in His hands, I hurt deep down and cannot seem to shake it.

I used to think that by having those feelings bottled up inside of me and not being able to shake them I was somehow not fulfilling what God wanted me to do with my singleness. I guess I had this vision that if I was truly happy being single that hard times would not come, and I would be able to live perfectly happy until God brought me my future husband. So, since I did have those unhappy times, I was failing God. I had this an idea that the first man I fell in love with would be the man, and I would never have to deal with the heartbreak and rollercoaster of relationship after relationship.  I watched this video and immediately started to disagree with it on the premise that I could only have one relationship with one man ever. Then, slowly, I began to change my mind. I am not necessarily saying that one must have many relationships to get it all right, but even in what seems wrong, God can make it turn out right. Watch it, and then I will explain myself.

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Ffeature%3Dplayer_embedded%26v%3DJvxHPtEsmFc&h=PAQFNIC_9

I was at first opposed to it becuase the guy said that he had been in so many relationships before. I didn't want to think of how many hearbreaks that he had been through and things he had had to deal with because of a "failed" relationship. I certainly knew that I didn't want to go through a string of failed relationships. Yet, I began to look at my own life and see that even in protecting my heart, I had gone through my own share of hurt and pain. I realized that everyone is going to go through her own set of trials. She is going to have to face different things. I saw that it was how one handled that hurt and pain that was the difference. She could see loving someone as a huge mistake and a stupid decision, or she could learn to see it as a growing and developing tool. It was all in her perspective. Mistakes can help us to become better if we let them. Loving a person who did not reciprocate that devotion showed me what I respected and desired in a person. That particular person was not the one that God meant for me to marry, but I now have a clearer picture of who He does have for me.

Girls, don't waste your time on just any guy who pays attention to you. But, when you do go through those times of pain and hurt, remember that each thing we go through is only meant to help us become stronger. God is always there to walk alongside you in your pain (and in your happy times!) to hold your hand and guide you. He will NEVER leave you no matter what it feels like on the outside. And remember, He loves you with the everlasting love that conquers everything. He wants to give you the desires of your heart, and even in this time of growth and molding He will protect your heart as you entrust it to Him.

Free to be Me

I have always been enamored by the thought of starting a blog. Oftentimes I find my thoughts rattling around in my brain just waiting to be released, but the risk of failure hangs over me like a heavy fog. However, I know how freeing it is to be able to open the cage to everything flying through my head and allow it all out. Writing allows me to sift through everything, organizing my head, and in the end finishing the puzzle that my thoughts have created. There is something in that process of guiding the words into focused sentences that supplies me with a little bit of relief from the constant flow of thoughts that never stop running.

Here, though, is where I stop to consider all of those thoughts running through my head. I like to convince myself that I have no control over my thoughts, but the thing is that I truly do have the ability to pull the strings on what I am thinking. It's easier to sit back and be lazy about taking captive every thought. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says "And we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." My thoughts should be pleasing to the Lord just as it says in Psalm 19:14 "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight." How many things do I let fly through my head without thought to the implications therein? Honoring the Lord means giving Him my every thought - letting Him have complete control. Trust me when I say that this isn't as easy for me as I'd like it to be. But, that's what I'm striving for. I don't want to waste my time pondering things that have no place in my life. In fact, it's really simple for me to take a simple thought and start worrying about it and making it into a huge issue bigger than it ever needed to be. I know that in my life, I need to make that conscious effort every moment of every day to give my thoughts back to Him so that He can have the ultimate control. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts and neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9 As I seek to have His thoughts, my mind will be consumed with Him, and the possibilities of things I can do for him are endless. This is what I desire.

So as I continue sharing my thoughts and work through my life in words, I no longer have to be afraid of others thoughts and judgments because this is for me to honor Him. And to do, that I have to feel free to be me. Join me on this journey, and maybe you will be challenged as I am to surrender yourself to His leading and guiding.